I have learnt that you can never be able to “have seen the whole world”. The world is so large and diverse… You can never see enough. And not everything you see will make you feel good about yourself, or even the world you live in.

I really want to translate my life’s experiences into my songs. I know I should been studying and writing my essays and all…. My prof just emailed me to say I should put in more effort in my essay. Honestly, I’m having such a busy time with school (And I am also out there experiencing new things), so sorry Prof. it is gonna happen till the last 2 weeks before the presentation. Ok wait, it is the last 2 weeks already.

Taking “time off” life isn’t reasonable. Taking time off school work is. That shall stay. Sorry.

Anyways, I was thinking about the past few years of my life. And the lessons I’ve learnt. I will not divulge too much details but these are the themes I should write about:

Love / You aren’t alone in this world / Soulmate / Letting go / Being honest to yourself / Being kind to yourself / You can’t trust everyone / There is hope in the world / Lies & games / You are (damn) promiscuous /

Ok I had better words and phrases in my head like 5 hours ago but now it’s all kinda meh. I want to write music again.. Give me time.

Right now it’s just slump after slump. But slumps give me ideas for songs. But I can’t keep doing sad songs. I am itching to write, but there are more necessary (not important, i.e studies) to focus on.

Sometimes, dreams are dreams. You may get to taste it but reality is that fate will not allow.

I need a sabbatical. To do some soul searching. To find the old me back – the one who was so inspired, driven, happier… Maybe it’s because the old Mizael decided to wake up to reality, therefore he is going insane.

-wanted to find a clever quote but I couldn’t lol-

Maybe it’s like waking up from an awesome dream after coming back from Japan… I came back after seven weeks… Suddenly all the friends you made there, realistically you may not see them again in your lifetime . Coming back here, my friends in school are all overseas (and going), or are running the last few laps of their studies, or have finished. I’m at the point where I’m not moving. I’m questioning everything.

My life. Myself. What I’m doing. Why I’m doing.

Yea, I’m over-emotional. If emotions were cars, I’d be knocked down and run over on every bad day.

Tried writing a melody. Stuck. Frustrated. Thinking of writing lyrics first before melodies but right now I don’t have the confidence to write lyrics. Looking for friends to spend time with, everyone is busy.

I’m in a vacuum.

Yes, I’m in charge of my life. I can make a difference in it. But thoughts of leaving school are in your head…..

I need some serious soul searching. Because I am in denial and I think that’s the only road I should walk run down. Yes I am running. Sprinting. Too fast. Slow down. Relax. Take a deep breath.

I have made many friends the past 4 weeks. But.. I have let some of them down. Right now, I’m feeling extremely selfish, being all excited about the things I want to do and not considering others’ feelings. I’m not saying that I should please everyone (omg is this Western thinking?) but I should be considerate to others as well.

I just did a speech about this for my Japanese class. Cheers for walking the talk! (sarcasm intended)

Furthermore, I ended up disappointing the person I wanted to give my best to in terms of friendship. I was really selfish in this case. Apologising too much is pointless. Even though I offered to return a favour, it feels like I’m still indebted. It’s so easy not to care about such simple things but I made a promise to myself to do good to this person before coming here.

And fulfilling promises (even to myself) is what I shall do.

いろいろ迷惑をかけてまことに申し訳ございません。

This week is the intensive week of Japanese classes. I really had no idea what went on during class today. I could only catch a few words; I could barely express what I wanted to say… It’s going to be a tough week ahead.

That said, I’m kind of disappointed with my lack of confidence in the Japanese language. I still have so much more to learn, but it feels like I’m stuck in an unknown place; feeling lost and I’m not walking in the right direction. I told my classmate today that I think my language ability is not improving (with time and effort).

Learning the language is one major challenge by itself. Learning the different cultural nuances is a totally different ball game. In school, I’ve learnt a bit about honne and tatemae, or the “true feelings” and the “public face” in Japanese culture. I don’t know if I am thinking too much but I’m pretty bothered about this concept. It’s not that this concept of having a public/private opinion is totally alien to me. Everyone practices this to a certain degree. But it’s the subtle differences that the Japanese have which is kind of bothering me （気になる）.

I came here to understand this culture better. And understanding this also equates to understanding these 2 concepts of honne and tatemae. I would feel like this would be a wasted trip if I didn’t learn something outside of the classroom. I don’t mean learning the physical environment outside of class, but the social environment that classes do not necessarily teach per se. I only understand the 「まだまだですよ」 part when being praised. (And I really mean it when I say that phrase.)

But there are some instances where I feel I do not know how to react. It’s not about being fake, but it is also kind of being honest yet presenting it in a different form.

I shouldn’t dwell on this too much. I should just do and see what happens. If I did nothing, I won’t know anything.

I want to live in Japan for at least a year. Really.

As a humanities/arts student, I never felt that the things I’ve been reading in school are so real in real-life. Okay, somehow how I phrased this seems a little weird but what I’m trying to say is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that no one is right or wrong when it comes to life itself. Indeed, life is just a shade of grey, never white or black.

The debate over whether Taiwan should reunite with China, or whether the two Koreas should reunite, etc, broadened my perspective of the world. I can’t really put my thoughts eloquently in this blog entry but I’ll try my best. It reinforced my perspective on ‘perspectives’. I can’t really express how enlightened I am but let me give an example that happened outside of class.

I remember that one of my TAs asking me and my friend about views on gender/sexuality during a casual chat. My friend has a more Essentialist view – stating that men are born to be men and women are born to be women. However, my view was more of a Social Constructionist perspective – I believe that gender and sexuality are both very close to self-identity and it is very closely linked to social pressures/forces, and additionally how one expresses his/herself in realms of gender and sexuality are also very close to how they think of themselves as people. None of us is right to say that one perspective is better than the other… Neither is it right for us to say who is more wrong than the other.

My take-away is that each perspective in this sense speaks of a story – and each story deserves its voice, because it’s true, it’s very real. It speaks of your experiences as a person, it speaks your story. I’ve already felt this way during my time in NUS and coming to experience this difference in views in class just reinforced this concept about life.

It is through these differences that we should realise that we are all unique and worthy of respect. It shouldn’t become something that divides humanity, but something that broadens our mind and bring us together.

On that note, I hope everyone in class benefited very much from the sharing session. I believe it is not one’s attention to force ideas down another’s throat, but it is to show that life itself is something so big, so magnificent. Things that happen thousands of miles away can directly affect our livelihood. We, as individuals should be open, and see our unity in humanity through these differences.

Alright, I’m not very coherent and everything sounded better in my head. I’m hungry now, so I guess that plays a part in how badly written this entry is. Till next time~

I say this because it’s been almost a week into my short stay in Japan. And at times, I’ve let my Singaporean identity (or bad habits, depending on the way you look at it) show itself, sticking out like a sore thumb in the crowd.

There is a cycling culture in Japan. On sidewalks, the side nearer to the roads are for cyclists. If you get in their way, return to the pedestrian side. At places where there are no markings, do not attempt to give way to cyclists. Once, outside the Lawsons near my dormitory, I actually waited 2 seconds to let a cyclist pass (that’s what all Singaporeans do, I think/hope) but the cyclist actually tried to avoid me. Like they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Food here is awesome. By Singaporean standards, some people back in the homeland might complain it is too bland.. I say this because everything is soaked in oil, salt and sugar. Right here, the food speaks for itself. Fish and cheese (that was dinner) was such comfort food compared to all the fried junk we have in Singapore. (I’m not here to bash my own country up but there’s so many things we can do to improve our city!) Let these 7 weeks pass and I hope I shed some flab.

Earlier tonight, I took a stroll to Don Quiote (a shop which sells EVERYTHING from motorcycle helmets to food to umbrellas to clothes…. you name it) and this was one of those times I felt I stuck out like a foreigner. So far, the places I’ve been to overseas have been tourist spots/traps, so looking like a foreigner was nothing new. Right now, I’m in a city where it is not exactly popular among tourists (a trip to your local bookstore will present you maps of Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka). At the same time, I’m trying to think about life in the shoes of common Japanese people. I never felt so oddly different in that sense before.

I’m considered rather tall (no offence but Singaporeans are getting taller and taller) comparative to the people I see in this city. The clothes I wear are different. It’s normal for Singaporeans to walk around downtown in singlets, shorts and flip flops. I walked around my neighbourhood in such an attire I felt super self-conscious. This sounds like a reason to get more clothes. Hah!

Anyway, these are the few things I wanted to bring up in this blog post. I’m getting tired and it’s gonna be such an awesome day tomorrow!

Speaking of awesome, I think the first few days I forgot that I need to think awesome everyday because life is too short. Think less, live more.

Good night people!

P.S. I need to take more photos and photoshop them lol.

(1) Tower Records Umbrella
(2) Transparent Umbrella from Don Quiote.
(3) Souvenirs for quite a number of people. (Better start counting)

I want to do the following things too:

(1) Go to Nagasaku
(2) Go to Kumamoto
(3) Go to Kurokawa Onsen
(4) Go to Mount Aso
(5) Go to Osaka USJ? (I might need to convert money)
(6) Sing Karaoke
(7) Attend Kyushu student activities – already invited to one but not sure what is going on!

Yes I don’t show it but I’m so happy to be in Japan!

朝食と夕食を食べてやっぱり和食好きね。油あんまり入っていないし、

二日目、本当に忙しかったね。疲れてきたんだよ。Opening Ceremony、オリエンテション、九大を案内し、飲み会。

シンガポールにいる友達に私の経験だと伝えたいけど、すごく疲れて今夜しない。明日伝えるかも。

日本人の友達は（性格が）すごく暖かくてやさしくて、今日いろいろな事ありがたいです。

疲れたので、これで終わります。

では、おやすみなさ〜い！